It is hard to be a man

TKCT

It is hard to be a man. Ever since God created Eve, life has been hell for Adam and his male descendants.

Starting from the Ice age, man was responsible for finding food for the family, regardless of the dangers to himself. Imagine a diminutive man, with a loincloth made out banana leaves and a little stick in his hands, crouching in front of a massive bison.

"Go and get him," urges his wife, hiding in the safety of a cave. "Go and get him. We have not eaten in days and I like to have meat for dinner tonight."

The man looks back at his wife who flashes him an encouraging smile, sighs and plunges forward. Needless to say, there was no meat at the dinner that night, but there was one less mouth to feed.

Evolution took care of those stupid men who did not know how to judge their strength against bison. However, the implausible trait of being bossed around by women somehow did not get erased along with these men.

Being king is no exception. Henry the VIII had a hard time with Anne Boleyn.

- Anne, my darling...

- Don't talk to me, I have a headache.

The king couldn't believe his ears. He stood there, one hand scratching his bald head, one hand scratching his big belly, thinking to himself:

I just spent the whole day in the court arguing with the treacherous, foul garlic-reeking Italian to get England free from the Catholic church in Rome, and listened for six hours to the whining Thomas Cromwell. How come I do not have a headache and she does?

King Henry was a smart man. He deduced correctly that to get rid of the headache, one had to get rid of the head, so he took care of his little problem eventually.

Being a president is not much better. Poor Bill, he must have suffered a great deal under Hillary. After a hard day in the oval office, desperately trying to avoid the government shutdown by the power hungry Gingrich, he went back to his room, sat down and pulled out a cigar. Just before he lighted it, Hillary walked in the room and yelled:

- Don't you dare lighting that cigar in "my" house. I have a headache and you know that Buddy (their dog) does not like cigar smoke.

- But, I am not going to inhale, Bill protested

- Don't you try to bandy words with me. I am a better lawyer than you. Hillary snorted. And why don't you stop lazing around, go back to the office and do some work.

So dejected Bill went back to the oval office not knowing what to do with the cigar in his hand. There, he met Monica and discovered a new way to use his cigar. And his life was on the downhill path ever since.

For the common "dân ngu cu đen" like us, things are much worse. We are now stripped of all the status that we fought hard and work hard for. We can't even call anything "man" anymore, everything now have to be called "person". Chairman is now chairperson. Even the little holes that we dug up on the ground so that we can get to work can't not be called "man hole" anymore, it has to be called "person hole". It is getting to a ridiculous stage, eventually, "manhood" will be come "personhood"; "human" becomes "huperson".

In the domestic front, we are expected to do everything in the house, and fix everything that may go wrong in the house. My wife told me the other day to fix her car.

- But, I know nothing about car

- You are an engineer aren't you?

I patiently explained to her that I studied electrical engineering, that I know as much about cars as she does and since it is her car, it is best that she take the car to a garage and get it fixed. Do you think that logic works huh? Not a chance!

Not long after that she told me to fix the washing machine.

- But, I know nothing about washing machines.

- You said you studied electrical engineering, didn't you?

What a long memory! My wife remembers all the things that I said, and many of the things that I did not say, while a lot of the stuff that I explained to her many times did not seem to register. I was going to discuss with her the differences between electrical engineering and washing machines, but I remembered that my wife was prone to these "instant" headaches and it was late at night and I did not want to sleep alone in the garage, so I stopped. Oh how I would love to have the power of a king.

One night, she woke me up in the middle of the night

- Darling, I heard something in the garage.

- Don't worry about it, it is probably the wind.

Few minutes later, just after I got back to my snoring rhythm:

- Darling, I heard it again, go and check it out.

You have all met my wife, right?. She is about the size of a large Amazon woman, while I am not as big as Woody Allen. But what could I do? So, I pushed myself out of the warm bed, got hold of a baseball bat and opened the door to the garage. At that moment, the image of the ice age man and the bison flashed through my mind. Somehow Darwin was wrong about evolution.

You think that you can escape the domestic ambushes and find refuge in the office? Not any more. Forget about asking a female worker to get you a cup of coffee. You can ask your male colleague to get you a cup of coffee. It is friendship. But if you were to innocently ask your female coworker to get you a cup of coffee while she's getting hers, you are an insensitive chauvinist pig.

Furthermore, women are much more powerful in the office than ever before. They are gaining big time, and boys, they know how to use their power! My female co-workers had no problem getting access to the CEO, while I had to bribe his secretary to fit me with his schedule. They flash their innocent smile, their charming smile, their alluring smile, their bewitching smile, their seductive smile, their attractive smile, their delightful smile, well you get my drift, and it is alright. The project may be a few months late, but it is OK. My boss nearly chopped my balls off a few months earlier for a similar delay in my project.

Also do not be so naỉve in believing in the glass ceiling; I see no glass ceiling. Instead I see the corporate ladder littered with bodies of men unfortunate enough to be on the path of rising female workers. And when you get to the top, you think that you've made it huh? Think again. Last year the court awarded the wife of the president of a large US company half of his fortune when she divorced him. Imagine, more than a hundred millions dollars for staying home cooking for a few people for a few years. Actually she did not even cook; they had a live-in cook.

One dangerous development that can spell the end to mankind, sorry, "personkind," is women banding together to take over business from the men. This morning, I heard about a workshop for female entrepreneurs in Palo Alto to provide companionship and tutoring by women for budding female entrepreneurs. I remember when I started my business. Every man was trying to screw me, or at least take my money and run.

Is there any last bastion for man? No, not really. One area in which we all thought that we had the monopoly, which no woman can take away from us, is fertility. Wrong! Women do not need us to have children anymore. In-vitro fertilization makes men redundant. I heard a prominent woman said:

- We can disband with the men and not have to pamper their insecurity about size and performance

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So us men, we have to band together to protect ourselves. Join NG Giao 's Hội Bảo Vệ Phụ Quyền is a good start. Giao had the wisdom and the foresight to see the end of mankind. But after viewing countless Emails from him and his most ardent member in Virginia, I did not see any real plan to save us. So, I have come up with a plan to if not saving us, at least prolong our existence until we can find a way to take back our power.

The answer is chastity. No, no, relax, I do not mean completely abstaining from sex. But the key (no pun intended) is to safeguard your sperms. Do you know that you can produce enough sperms to populate the whole world in a month? So do it for your pleasure but make sure that you can account for all your sperms. You never what design the women have for our few minutes of weakened resolve. The future of mankind depends on us men.