English lessons

From: Binh L Nguyen 
Sent: Thursday, 27 August 1998 18:38

Elementary Lesson:
Cigarettes License

Mt anh khách Mỹ trẻ vô tiệm U-Tối-Tăm (U Totem) (1)
mua 1 bao thuốc lá. Tại quầy tính tiền, người khách
đưa ra tờ giấy năm đồng.

Người đứng bấm máy tính tiền là mt bà già trầu,
đặc biệt Bắc Kỳ răng đen mã tấu.
Bà cụ hỏi người khách trẻ:
- Du he-vơ lai sen sơ?
Anh khách Mỹ trố mắt ra hỏi lại:
- License? You're kidding? Do I need license to buy cigarettes?
When is that law been announced?
Bà già trầu xua tay lia lịa rồi xoè tay ra đếm:
- Se-vơn sen sơ, ếch sen sơ, lai sen sơ ...
Anh chàng chợt phá lên cười và nói:
- Oh no, I don't have change. I don't have "lai-sen-sơ"!

(1) A now defunct chain of convenient stores in Houston.

Now, since you have graduated from the elementary class in 
English with "Bà Già Trầu" and her Cigarettes License, 
here is an intermediate level lesson which I downloaded from 
the internet.

Intermediate Level:

Hi, for those of you who travel to or live in Asia, this
following record of a phone conversation in a typical
Southeast Asian "five star" hotel will strike some
recollection of your own possible experiences.

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a
while after reading this. It was nominated best email of 1997.
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room
service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in
the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, po'ch?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No. Just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
and copy....rye?"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome"

Advanced Level:

The advanced lesson consists of a conversation in English
between "Bà Già Trầu" and Room Service at this Five Star Hotel.
Fortunately I do not have such a lesson to offer you.

N.L.Binh